I now understand what you meant when you said you needed to move on. Now that you’re gone, I’m creating. I’m not tying myself down to this town or this career. I have friends. I’m not so numb, and I’m not so confused. I do miss you and what I thought our relationship was, but it’s now clear to me that you were never my friend. You were just the guy I slept with, smoked with, late night shopped with, drove in a car with, stayed up with. But under no circumstance were you my friend. My heart didn’t matter. My feelings were irrelevant. Yet I still hung on. I still showed up with Chinese. I still woke up next to you wishing you would see me, a woman who believed in you, who was waiting for you to want her the way she thought you had. But you didn’t. You don’t. You won’t. And all of this hurts. It makes me wish I was still numb. It hurts because my feelings were as genuine as the Tiffany’s ring I will one day buy myself when I have recovered and flourished. Maybe you tried to be honest. Maybe you truly wanted to be, but the beauty of the way you treat me is that I will never know. You’re a short story with unanswered questions and no clear ending - beautiful, touching, but still a sad mystery I will never solve.

And what am I supposed to do? Beg you? I love you. I’ve never admitted it, but it’s true; I do. But I won’t grovel. I won’t cry outside your window. I won’t embarrass myself any further than I did for the past five months. But I will say this - the bed is a lot lonelier without you.

I have been avoiding writing. I’m afraid that if I start, I won’t stop. I’m afraid that all I’ll ever write about is you and the immense disappointment I feel at you being a boy and not a man. I’m afraid that even if you see this, you won’t care. But I don’t sleep the way I should, I don’t eat the way I should, or live the way I should. And that’s because it’s all bottled up. An explosion is coming because the wrong chemicals have come in contact and a reaction is coming.

A man hurt me. Well a few did, but oddly enough, it’s this man’s betrayal that I feel the most right now. I knew we wouldn’t get married. I knew having his child would be..problematic/dramatic. I knew that I didn’t know him. But he knew my essence and I knew his. So he knew he could lie and I would still trust him and I knew he was still a liar and a cheater. I don’t trust him now. He still lies and cheats.

How to Recover from Codependency

onlinecounsellingcollege:

1. Recognize that you have a tendency to be drawn into codependent relationships – and make the decision to change this pattern. This will require acknowledging that these types of relationships are actually unhealthy (which may not be obvious to a codependent person).
2. Understand that breaking these ingrained patterns is very difficult to do alone. Consider working with a counsellor to identify the roots of the problems, to separate out what are healthy patterns of relating from what are unhealthy patterns of relating. Learn how to establish healthy appropriate boundaries. Work on saying “no”, and putting yourself first.
3. Step back and allow others to accept full responsibility for their words, responses, reactions and behaviours. Recognise the facts that it’s not your job to be responsible for anyone other than yourself. Don’t assume the blame when other peoples’ lives go wrong.
4. Keep your focus on yourself and your own needs and problems. Remember that you also have your own life to live
5. Understand that the right thing to do is to take care of your own life and needs first – before looking out for the needs of other people. That’s not being selfish: that is being a healthy, responsible adult.
6. Don’t feel guilty about enjoying yourself – even if others are dealing with huge problems. You have a right to be happy, and to make something of life.